Somewhere Over the Rainbow

I will start this by saying that the rest of this post might likely turn into platitudes and I will also admit that it is kind of off topic from the rest of the blog.

The “coming out” process is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with. I’m using present tense on purpose. It was more than 8 years ago that I actually came out to my mom. It was a mess of an over the phone conversation on my sister’s couch one morning. It continues to be a struggle. Once the words “I’m gay” came out of my mouth, she and I reached a never verbalized agreement to just never speak of it again. So, I live my normal life with my friends, co-workers and even the Twitterati where I’m perfectly out and everything is fine. Then there is the life I have with her where we talk and share our lives with each other, except for that one little piece that I withhold.

I started writing this because I’ve just been exchanging text messages with a friend who is coming out to his mom. He is just a bit older than me and has actually lived with his boyfriend for several years. He’s just never actually said the words “I’m gay” to his mother.

I know someone else who is younger and is just going through the “should I or shouldn’t I come out” process. He had worked up the courage to do it a few days ago, but when he saw his mom, she had some other family news/drama to discuss and so he tabled the conversation for another day.

I’m actually really scared for both of them. I would hate for these guys to lose that closeness, that connection and that unconditional love that only a mom can give.

Obviously, the situation may go differently for these two. I certainly hope it does. However, coming out to my mom was the first time I’d ever seen disappointment in her eyes. It was the first time I’d ever felt like I’d truly hurt her. It ended up being a giant wedge driven into our relationship and I sometimes wish I could take it back.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m perfectly happy and content being who I am. I have no guilt or reservation in being what I was created. I just wish that there was some way for me to be that and also still “a good son” in my mother’s eyes. I was watching “Glee” the other night and one of the characters came out to his dad. He was met with a hug and acceptance. I bawled like a 2 year old on the sofa. Wouldn’t it be great if real life could be like TV?

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Even in 2009 it takes courage to be out, so big hugs to both of the guys I talk about here and to all my gays and the girlz (and the odd straight guy) who love us.