Innocence Maintained

Let’s just be honest, Jewel isn’t the pinnacle of artistic music. And while I’ve seen her live 5 or 6 times and own every album she’s ever made, she can be that kind of faux artsy best exemplified by most cast members of “The Real World.” And for the record, I’m talking about back when they didn’t just sleep with each other. (Shout out to the New Orleans and Seattle cast!!) She has a voice that grates on most of my friend’s nerves and many of her “deep” insights are trite at best. However, there is a line from one of her songs that has stuck with me. “Innocence can’t be lost, it just needs to be maintained”.

I’ve used that as kind of a personal motto for about 10 years now. I frequently throw that line out when explaining why I can’t watch violent movies. I use that sentence when ranting about how movies are just getting bloodier and gorier because we are becoming desensitized. It’s also one of the reasons why I get my news from NPR. I don’t need to see the bleeding corpses in Afghanistan, just let me know what happened.

I never really thought that my career would be one that made me actively work to maintain my innocence. However, the first phone call I ever made as an adjuster was on a fatality claim where the driver had been killed and the passenger survived. I had no idea. I don’t remember the name of the guy I had to call. I only remember that he was a bit younger than me. I was 24 at the time. I was told to call the passenger and confirm what happened in the accident and make sure he wasn’t injured. It was a single vehicle accident, so I didn’t think that it could be all that bad.

Imagine my surprise when my chipper self is met with a guy screaming “My best friend fucking died in the seat me beside me. How the fuck do you THINK I am?” I got off the phone as quickly as possible and immediately had a little breakdown. I could play the “shouldn’t that have been a cosmic sign to get the hell out” game all day, but I’m still here, so what’s the point?

I had to make a phone call to a mother today. Her son was killed in an accident this morning. This lady must have the resolve of Queen Elizabeth, because she didn’t seem phased at all. I’m sure she’s in shock. The guy was about a month younger than me. I know my mom would be devastated.

I felt terrible calling to tell her they had liability only and I couldn’t help them with the car. I could pay for the fence he damaged and I’d get the police report and find out who owned it. I felt like those things were so trivial. So cold and corporate. I wanted to reach through the phone and hug her and be my usual sympathetic self. However, we had “business” to attend to and that was the point of my call. Plus, my company obligates me to call her back within 2 hours of reporting the accident.

I’m going to visit one of my former professors tonight who I know will be great to talk to about how I'm feeling about all of this. I’m hoping that she will have some wise words to say that will help me deal with all of the thoughts going through my head about all of this. (What have I/am I becoming? How did I end up doing this? How do I get out? Etc.)

But probably more, I’d like to tell a mother that was on the other end of my phone a little while ago, I hope you realize that I wasn’t as uncaring as I probably seemed.