Why, Georgetown, Why

"I am driving

85 in the

kind of morning

that last's all afternoon

just stuck inside the gloom

4 more exits to

my apartment, but

I am tempted to

keep the car in drive

just leave here for awhile

cuz I wonder sometimes

about the outcome

of a still

verdictless life

am I livin' it right?

--"Why, Georgia Why"--John Mayer

I had a deja vu moment this weekend. It was a beautiful Saturday morning in May. I was driving North on Highway 25 in my silver car to Georgetown to attend graduation at Georgetown College. I'd made this exact drive in May of 2002 and I was doing it again in 2010. It was my graduation then and the boyfriend's this past weekend.

The similarities were striking. The weather was nearly identical. The graduation happened on the same lawn in front of Giddings Hall. I saw many of the same professors. I'm sure the President of the college read the same script. Even the thoughts in my head were same.

Back in 2002, when I crossed the bridge over I-75 I was listening to the song that's quoted up there. It seemed relevant. I'd just came out to my mom a few months prior and was struggling with that mess. After not getting into grad school, I was trying to figure out what the hell I wanted to do with my life and feeling completely lost. My life certainly felt verdictless and I was wondering not only if I was making the right choices, but also trying to figure out what choices and paths were even possible.

This past weekend, as I crossed the bridge over I75 that same song ran through my head. Eight years later and I'm still dealing with the coming out mess with my mom and still trying to figure out what I want to do. My life is still verdictless.

I'll turn 30 exactly 3 months from today. I feel like I've completely wasted the past 8 years. I'm in exactly the same spot I was in back in 2002. I have a job that I hate, but have to stay in because it pays decently. And I still have no clue as to what I want to do.

I've been asked the question about what I want to do a few times lately by well meaning friends. I always feel embarrassed that I don't have an answer. Shouldn't I have already figured out my passion by now? I mean, I'm not getting any younger here.

Yes, I like to write, but I don't think the world needs another aspiring writer. Yes, I like fashion, but how the hell do you get a job doing that? Plus, I'm colorblind and that's gotta be an issue. I'm interested in politics, but how do I get a job in that? Especially one that's gonna pay me something that I can actually live on? I'm great with understanding and talking with people and have a TON of creative energy that isn't getting used, but how do I find an outlet for that?

I have tons of friends who are making significant life changes to follow their passion. One is opening her own law firm, another just opened his own design business and another has quit his job to finish school. My college roommate just got a new job getting to use his skill with numbers in a way that doesn't chain him to a desk and a computer screen everyday. It's time for me to do something (and yes, Faerie Princess, the friggin' Vision Board starts today).

I've been stagnant, because I just don't know where to go from here. I've found a decent income and I've been content to at least have that going for me. I'm no longer willing to let that be enough. The jury has been deliberating for 8 years and I think it's high time for a verdict.