Maybe Not So Easy Steps

It usually doesn’t take long to learn that I’m kind of in love with Alanis Morissette. I’m not at all talking about the angsty music of the “Jagged Little Pill” album. That’s probably my least favorite Alanis album. I actually fell in love with her on that album’s follow up “Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie.”

The point of bringing that up is that there is a lyric from a song called “8 Easy Steps” that keeps running through my head. The song’s verses are a listing of the things she could teach someone about what we do to sabotage ourselves in our relationships and lives. (It’s actually a very upbeat and peppy song). The line I keep thinking of is “how to sabotage your fantasies by fear of success.”

I kind of feel like that’s the point I’ve reached.

I’m truly scared to make my next move. I don’t think I would have any problem walking away from the job I’m in. As you’ve read, I hate it. Granted, I’m also afraid of the financial situation and how all that would work. (Maybe I’ll wish for a benefactor for Christmas.) However, I think the thing I’m most of afraid of is actually formulating and plan and then having to stick to it.

Let’s just say that I miraculously got into a grad school somewhere (which would be one of the first successes), then I would have to deal with the financial implications and get all of that in order. Then, I would have to commit to going to school and getting myself back in an “academic” mindset. I’m really afraid that my mind is kind of shot after working here for 5 years. My job has had a way of making me not quite as sharp as I once was.

Thinking even further out, let’s just imagine that I get into a grad program and do well and actually graduate. Then what? I’m still barely formulating what I want to do with my life. What if I do all this for nothing? Will I just end up where I am right now, but with another $50k worth of student loan debt to pay off? Will it have been worth it?

I’m about to take some time off from work and I’m going to try to get as many answers to this as I can and I’m going to actually write out a visual list of goals. As another Alanis song says “the only way out is through/the faster we’re in the better.”