Melt it down, you're gonna have to eventually anyway

I’ve managed to not go to work proper today. I woke up feeling terrible and worked from home. This left me with a good bit of time to stay home and think. Apparently, time spent alone on the sofa all day with nothing on TV besides football leads to deep thinking and blog posts.

A little back story: I double majored in English and Political Science. I originally went to college thinking that I would go on to law school and then do something in the realm of Politics. I’ve never really had the ambition of being a politician, but I can be a bit of a policy wonk. I started taking Political Science classes my first semester of college and was about halfway through the required courses by the end of my sophomore year. However, I had a life changing experience in a general education British Lit survey class. I discovered poetry.

I fell in love with Romantic and Modern poetry and had an actual bring me to tears, pace the dorm room for about thirty minutes, chills running down my arms experience after reading the “The Waste Land” by TS Eliot. I can actually still read it and have a fairly intense experience.

So, I added my English major in order to further delve into words and poetry and find an outlet for the creative part of myself that had finally found its medium. I was so far into the Political Science major that I just kept it as well. I set my sights on getting into grad school and getting my PhD in English. The thought of getting to spend the rest of my life studying poetry and sharing my love for it with other people seemed like the perfect life.

Up to this point in life, I’d managed to attain every goal I’d set for myself. Granted, I was all of 21 years old during this time, but I’d been reasonably successful for someone my age. The thing is: I’d barely had to try. I’m not trying to come off too egotistical and Lord knows I don’t have a superiority complex. However, I’d never studied for a test, barely did “homework” and really hadn’t put a lot of effort into my college experience. I still graduated with a 3.5. I had just assumed that like everything else in life that I wanted, I’d just get into a grad school and continue on my merry way.

That didn’t happen.

I applied to four schools and didn’t get into any of them. I had been working part time as a teller at a bank my senior year of school and reluctantly went full time after college. This was the first real setback that I had ever experienced. To say that I was depressed is an understatement.

I’ll skip a lot of story, but fast forward to now. I’m 29 and I’ve been working as an insurance adjuster or 5 years. This is not at all where I thought I would be. I’ve resolved that I’m going to make changes in my life and finally get to a place where I’m significantly happier with where I am. And here’s what I think I know: I was meant to be on a college campus. I have friends who work for my alma mater and just being on campus has a “this is home” feeling. I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but I feel like something is telling me that is where I belong.

While in Nashville recently, we went through Vanderbilt’s campus and the same thing happened. I just wanted to get out of the car and walk around, because something just felt like it was where I needed to be. I frequently go for walks through UK’s campus, because something draws me in and while traveling for work to various cities, I always find the areas near a campus and spend my free time there.

However, I don’t quite think the English route is where I’m supposed to go. When I look at my transcript I see that I got nothing but As in my Political Science classes and my one and only C was in my Chaucer class. I’ve stayed interested in Politics since college following what is going on internationally, nationally and in the past few months really watching what is going on locally. It’s been a long time since I’ve picked up any of my books of poetry.

So now the questions: Given my desire to want to be in a college/academic setting, do I need to try to get into grad school for Political Science? Am I too old? Have I missed my opportunity? Can I get in? Am I smart enough? I looked at a few grad school’s websites today and I have to say, I’m overwhelmed. I’m scared. I’m doubting myself. I’m wondering if I’m really going in the right direction if I pursue that. Is there a way to know that for sure?

All things to ponder on and I certainly don’t know where I go to find the answer. Though, I have to note that the only thing saved on my DVR right now are last week’s Sunday morning political talk shows and my iPod decided that it wanted to play “You Learn” by Alanis Morissette as I am wrapping this up.

“Throw it down/the caution blocks you from the wind/hold it up/to the rays/you wait and see when the smoke clears/you live, you learn”