What To Do...

I started this blog a little over a year ago with the presumption of using it to get ideas out and help me figure out “what I want to do” with my life. A year later and I still haven’t a bloody clue. However, I’ve learned today that some wheels have to start turning somewhere.



The job I’m in now is soul-suckingly terrible. It’s truly a job that no one ever sets out to do. It’s just something that you end up doing for lack of anything better. Even the management where I work will tell you that this isn’t where they ever thought they’d be and really wouldn’t have stuck it out had it not been for their promotions. It’s a crummy job that leaves you truly hating humanity and feeling pretty empty inside. The upside is that the pay is pretty damned good, not fantastic, but enough to make you think twice before jumping ship.



I rode the wave in of a large group of new hires across the country about 6 years ago. We heard stories of promotions in 2 or 3 years and I was even promised one. Instead, we’ve had cut after cut and more and more work piled on us. No one has “moved up” in about 3 years and we’ve had a few rounds of layoffs.



We were told today of yet another restructuring that would basically strip me of the few parts of the job that I like. Also, all of those tasks would be assigned to one person who has been here less time than I have. The only reason given is that we are consolidating what people handle in order for people to become more specialized at doing one certain thing. Thing is, I’ve been begging for that for years. I’ve wanted to focus on this one aspect of the job for at least a couple of years now. It’s been documented in every discussion about my “development” and it’s been told to anyone who would sit still long enough. However, now that we’re actually doing it, I’m passed over.



Believe it or not, I’m not actually upset about it. What it helps me do is put the puzzle together. You strip away the duties of the employee who has been here the longest (and is making the most money…i.e. me) and give those to someone else. Once you figure out that this expensive employee isn’t needed and the organization can function without them, then you get to cut them. Really, it only makes good business sense. I’ve seen this coming down the pike for a few months now.



I had originally planned to use my year end bonus here and what little tax refund I get to just quit before I was fired and actively start looking for employment elsewhere. I’ve now decided against that. The boyfriend has been on the job hunt for a month and I can see that being voluntarily unemployed isn’t smart right now. However, I have to get a game plan together for when I am inevitably fired. I’m thinking late spring is gonna be when the axe falls.



Now, I could fall back into some job that pays the bills or I could finally do something that’s really fulfilling. I still don’t know that I have a clue what I’m good at doing. I’d mentioned having a dream of opening up a bar. However, I’m also enough of a realist to know that I don’t know jack crap about how to do that. I also know that I’m on the broke side of poor and I’d need to somehow discover a pot of gold to make that happen. It’s just seems to be something I’d like doing and that I wouldn’t mind working the 80 hour weeks for.



So now I start the process of figuring out what the hell I’m good at, what my options are and then pick a course and run with it. I can’t really tread water anymore. If I do, I’m gonna end up in April with a severance package and hoping Obama doesn’t cave to Republicans more on extending unemployment benefits. That isn’t at all where I want to be.



I’d also like to ask for a little help from you precious few readers. You read me and most of you actually know me. You also know that I suffer a bit from not always seeing what’s right in front of me. You also know that I ‘m pretty terrible at self evaluation. So, I’m asking if you have any ideas, thoughts or opinions on what direction I should take. Not necessarily, “I think you’re good at…” (though I welcome that, too), but just what are your aspirations, what would you do, what can you maybe see me doing, if you feel so inclined. Just something to use for kindling.



I thrown far more personal out here and usually with positive results. So, here’s to hoping something good comes from this.

Waking Up?

I feel like a bad gay. That isn’t a particularly unusual feeling for me. Just prior to going out to a play last night, I was griping about how I look. The theater gays tend to be a skinny, well dressed group and GaGa knows, I’m none of that. I felt frumpy in my glasses and sweater. I’m growing my hair out a bit and currently have “transition hair”. A good gay wouldn’t have left the house like that. 

But for once it isn’t the way I look that’s making me feel like a bad gay. I went to see “Spring Awakening” last night. I’d been told nothing but great things about it. I’d been told how moving, life changing, and groundbreaking this musical was. I’d went to an event with some of the cast before the show where they talked about how challenging the play was and audiences that left in tears. 

I felt bad that I left decidedly underwhelmed. 

This is to say nothing bad about the fantastic cast. Not only were they courteous, open and knowledgeable at the event beforehand, but they had great presence and amazing voices during the show.

The show is about teens coming to terms with their sexuality and doing that inside of a repressive, turn of the century German culture. The show made some good points about what that culture inevitably brings upon itself and the poor decisions and subversive ways people will act out in rebellion or ignorance. There were even some very relevant moments about teen suicides that struck very close to home. 

I just didn’t like the show. The main lead male character was a bit of a prick. He was supposed to be the liberal thinking, enlightened character that taught us something. He came off as a self-important douche. His love interest was a girl who opened the show by telling us she didn’t know anything about sex and begging her mother for info about where babies come from. Due to the culture and her mother’s uncomfortableness with the subject, she was never told. 

This set her up as this innocent, unknowing character who has no idea about the birds and the bees. On the other hand, her lover has written a diagrammed essay for another character about sex. So when they eventually have sex and she initially says no, he comes off as a bit of a creep trying to persuade her. When he ends up getting her pregnant, it seems like he has taken advantage of a young girl. The play even makes sure to point out to us that without every sign pointing to how she might have gotten that way, she couldn’t put two and two together. 

I won’t go on about the other problems I had with the show like diversions into sub plots that never develop or the abrupt ending and it’s instant mood shift, but I’m left feeling like I somehow didn’t get something. I have to recognize that there is something wrong with me if this show won 8 Tonys and has moved audiences everywhere. I just can’t figure out what it is. 

I just feel like a bad gay for not being in love with this show. Over the course of a few text messages with a friend last night I was told “it isn’t for everyone.” This didn’t help much. I’m a liberal arts English major who fancies himself an occasional poet. I appreciate a good work of art and GaGa knows I’ve been trained to analyze and look for depth, themes and meanings. I like a challenging work of art. I just wonder if that isn’t the problem. 

Maybe I think too much. I spent a good bit of my time digging in and making sure I got everything that the show was trying to say and ended up frustrated. I’m also worried that something has changed in me. One of the few things that I’ve always liked about myself is my ability to connect and feel. I’ve never been afraid to cry or to open up and allow myself to invest emotionally in something. I feel bad for not getting those emotions from this play. Like I’m less than somehow. 

So, I’ll spend the day thinking about that and worrying if my efforts to maintain innocence have been all for naught. On the other hand, I managed to get compliments from 3 gays on my hair last night. GaGa works in mysterious ways.